Chapter One

‘Maggie Warren?’

I am not ready for this.

I was about to change my mind when the girl came to get

me.

I smiled. Such a false smile, it nearly cracked my face.

She was a new girl; she must have started after the –

Since I’d been away. She was confident. Supremely so. More

confident than I had ever been at her age. At her stage. She was

young and blonde and she walked with a swish of paper-straight

hair and an empty click of the long leather boots that promised

– something, I wasn’t quite sure what. Exactly Charlie’s type.

‘I’m Daisy,’ she threw over an immaculate shoulder as I tried

to keep up. I was already unsettled, and her swagger unnerved

me more. Did she know something I didn’t? Painfully I followed

her down corridors, trying to keep up, banging awkwardly

through the doors, my crutches unwieldy beneath my arms.

Waiting all the time for her to speak. She didn’t. I searched for

something to say. I contemplated myself in her position, remembering

all the inanities I’d spouted since I’d started, the yards

and yards of crap I’d sparkled with. The punters have earned it,

I always thought. In Daisy’s book, though, apparently, I hadn’t.

But I was different, perhaps.

I needed to fill the silence – the silence aside from the click

of her dominatrix boots. She awarded me a thin smile as she

pulled open the next set of doors, as she waited for me, not quite

tapping her toes, with a smile that said, ‘I am leading you like a

lamb to your slaughter.’

I said, ‘Have you worked for Double-decker before?’

She shook her sleek head. ‘Came from the Beeb.’

I loathed people who said ‘the Beeb’.

‘Graduate trainee.’

Didn’t like them much either. The graduate trainee who invariably

thought they knew it all. She was remarkably flat-chested

for one of Charlie’s girls, I noted, as I squeezed past her.

‘Oxford, you know.’ Had she actually sniffed as she said it?

‘Ah, Oxford.’ I nodded sagely. That would explain it. Charlie

had a penchant for posh.

Before I could struggle any further to be her ‘friend’, just like

all those punters in the past had tried to be mine, we were there.

Pull yourself together, Maggie, I told myself firmly. But my hands

were actually shaking. It was so odd to be here on the other side.

The green room was alive with people and light, the buzz and

hum of adrenaline and apprehension. The buzz of attention, of

being ‘the one’, the vital one. Everyone was bathed in the horrible

neon light that yellowed the skin and made the eyes look dead.

The banks of croissants and egg-and-cress sandwiches were

already dry and curling; the orange juice was spilt in brilliant

pools on the white linen. What was I doing here? Would they

see inside me; know I’d sold my soul? I looked for Sally, then

for the wine – but Charlie found me first.

‘Maggie, darling.’ The emphasis was on darling as he kissed

me on both cheeks, his face lingering a little too long next to

mine, his Ralph Lauren jumper tied in that silly knot over his

breast-bone. His aftershave was as noxious as ever.

‘I could murder a drink.’ I was just a little too bright. I contemplated

him for a moment. Then I leaned forward and asked,

quietly, ‘You are sure about this, Charlie? I’m struggling a bit

with my –’

He clasped my hand, a little too hard, his hooded eyes veiled.

‘Not going to back out now, are you, darling?’

I winced. It wasn’t a question.

‘Daisy, get Maggie a drink, would you? A wine.’

Kinky-boots smiled at him, tossing her hair becomingly, and

fetched me a drink. Begrudgingly. She’d go far.

‘What?’ Now Charlie leaned in to catch my words, his hairoil

glinting in the light. Had I spoken aloud? ‘Don’t freak out

on me, Maggie, please.’

‘I’m really nervous. This is very –’

‘Exciting? I knew you’d see it my way in the end.’

Did I have a choice? ‘I was going to say . . . I’m really not sure

that –’

‘Don’t be silly.’ He looked impatient. ‘We’ve been through all

this. It’s going to make the show.’

‘What is?’

He leaned forward so only I could hear. ‘And, of course, it’s

your absolute last chance. Don’t fuck up. Again.’

‘But –’ I began, as Sally peered round the door. I was so glad

to see her that I cried her name much too loudly. Her jolly

broad face was uncharacteristically tense. She smiled back, but

even her dimples were subdued. Stress was definitely winning

the day.

‘Babe.’ Her eyes flicked round the room. ‘Daisy,’ she said as

she found her target, gesturing frantically, ‘has the anti turned

up yet?’

‘What anti?’ I frowned.

‘Oh, don’t worry. They’re not for you.’

I didn’t believe her. My job had lost its allure some time ago,

from years of deceiving those we relied on to provide the entertainment.

With a nasty lurch, I realised I was the entertainment

now. Oh God. I shook my head.

‘Sal, I really don’t need a row on air,’ Charlie promised. He

called it a – a ‘healing’ show. Who was I kidding?

I lost Sally’s attention as Renee swept into the room, pausing

by the door for maximum effect. She knew exactly how to work

it. There was a brief lull as heads turned, a visible wave of excitement

over by the croissants. Renee didn’t always bother with the

guests these days, but this was a big one. A real ratings winner,

if it went right: this year’s greatest tragedy – just in time for

BAFTA nominations. I shuddered. Sally was off again.

‘Sal,’ I hissed after her, ‘I’m not going to have a row with

anyone. Really. Charlie did promise.’

A shadow flitted across Sally’s face. ‘Bear with me, all right,

Maggie? Daisy, get the rostrum tape of the headlines into the

gallery. Now, please.’ Then she was gone.

I downed my drink in one huge gulp. The headlines. That

overwrought outpouring of horrified, voyeuristic – what?

Delight? A glut of hysterical sympathy for our terrible misfortune

on that coach. Blame, shame and sorrow. I’d managed to

avoid most of them the first time. Only occasionally, when a

nurse had forgotten to bin –

I skidded the memory to a necessary halt.My head was aching

and I wanted a cigarette badly. I wanted to get the hell out of

here even more. I must have been mad to agree to this, and right

now I couldn’t quite remember why I had. I inched toward the

door as surreptitiously as my bad leg would let me; then Daisy

was by my side.

‘Okay?’ She smiled that horrible thin smile again.

‘I need a fag,’ I tried to smile back. Someone stopped Daisy

to ask where they could change and that was it; I was off down

the corridor as fast as my crutches would carry me. But I wasn’t

going to make it outside in time so I veered off to the loo.

Perhaps they wouldn’t look here (they always looked here – I

was hardly the first guest to hide behind a locked door). The

end cubicle was free. I stood against the door and fumbled for

my cigarettes.My skeletons weren’t so much rattling the closet,

they were smashing down the walls. My hands were trembling

so much I dropped my lighter and cursed myself. Two women

were discussing Renee over the divide between their cubicles.

‘Such pretty hair,’ one cooed. If only they knew. Normally I

would have smiled, but right now I felt more like crying. Everything

was out of kilter.Worst of all, I despised myself. I hadn’t

realised quite how hard I was going to find this. Oh God. I

didn’t know if I was more scared about being on the other

side for the first time in my life, or of talking about – it.

Digging up the past. Would they manage to mine my depths

for secrets long untold? I inhaled deeply, reckoning I’d got

about five more puffs before the smoke alarm went off. The

women clattered out, tutting about passive smoking. My leg

throbbed. Holding my fag between my teeth I searched my

bag for yet more pills.

‘Maggie?’ The deep tones of Amanda, the floor manager. ‘You

in here?’

Daisy had rallied the whole bloody troupe. I held my breath

but then the smoke curled up into my eyes, up my nose, and I

coughed.

‘Maggie? Is that you?’ The relief in Amanda’s voice was tangible.

I held my breath.

‘Ten minutes, darling.’

It was useless. ‘Just coming,’ I whispered miserably.

‘I’ll wait for you.’

‘Great.’ I took a last deep drag and dropped the fag into the

toilet-bowl, where it died with a tiny fizz. Wiping my sweating

hands on my jeans, I opened the door, awkwardly leaning round

on one crutch to come out.

‘Darling!’ Amanda hugged me, sniffing the air. ‘Smoking, you

naughty girl? How are you, you poor old thing?’ I felt like her

pet Labrador.

‘Oh, you know.’

‘Look, do you want to come through now? Take the weight

off your poor foot. Is it very sore?’ She glanced down at my leg

like it might snap. Like it might fall off. My crutch got caught

on the sink, and I stumbled, just a little, wincing as Amanda

grabbed my arm.

‘It’s okay,’ I said, and I heard my own voice ringing outside

my own ears. ‘It’s just the wine.’

She frowned.

‘I’m not pissed.’ Actually, that wasn’t entirely true. I hadn’t

eaten anything apart from painkillers since God knew when.

‘Don’t be silly. True professional, me. But I might just have a

quick top-up before –’

Amanda took my arm, gliding me swiftly through the door

toward the studio. She was like a little wiry foxhound; I was

clenched between her teeth and she was not going to let me get

away again. I debated bashing her over the head with a crutch

and making a run for it. A stumble for it.

‘No time, darling.’ Her headset cackled. ‘In the break, maybe.’

She assessed me with speed. ‘You should have been to make-up.’

Daisy appeared in the corridor, checking her mobile with overwhelming

indolence, and Amanda glared at her.

‘That phone should be off, young lady. You’re very pale, you

know, Maggie.’

‘Pale and uninteresting,’ I joked. But nobody laughed. Anxiety

set in again.

‘Amanda.’ This was the point of no return. I took a deep

breath, pulled her to one side. ‘I’m really not sure – I really don’t

think I can do this, actually.’

‘Course you can, darling. Gosh, if I had a pound for everyone

who nearly changed their minds before we started, I’d be a

millionaire! And they all come off loving it. All wanting more.’

‘This is me, Amanda, remember?’ I muttered. The old platitudes

would not wash, of that I was quite sure. Pissed or not.

She had the grace to flush slightly. ‘Look, I’m going to get Kay

up here with some blusher for you. And you,’ she poked Daisy

with her clipboard, ‘get Maggie another drink for her nerves.

Stick some wine in a water-bottle. Just don’t let any of the other

guests see, for Christ’s sake.’

We were at the studio door. We were in the studio. It was so

hot in here already. Sally had taken the floor now to do her bit.

The audience was laughing at some feeble joke. They loved it,

lapped it up.Charlie rushed in, rushed to my side. ‘All right,Mags?’

No one ever called me Mags, least of all Charlie. Unless . . .

‘Oh, you know,’ I grimaced. ‘Fine and dandy.’ I imagined slapping

my thigh like a principal boy.

Charlie smiled, his teeth shining brilliantly white under the

bright lights. ‘Just remember, darling, you’re going to get closure

now. And that’s what you need.’

‘Closure,’ I repeated like a well-schooled parrot. ‘What I need.’

Headlines from the days after the accident suddenly flashed

up on the studio monitors. My heart began to race as I was

forced to read them. The Sun screamed ‘CRASH COACH

CARNAGE’; the Express enquired politely ‘HORSES ON THE

MOTORWAY: WHO IS TO BLAME?’; the Mail screeched

‘GOVERNMENT’S ROADS CAUSE TRAGEDY’.

I tore my eyes away just as Daisy arrived with the water bottle.

I took a huge swig. Now Kay was here in a fug of sweet scent

and a cloud of powder that always made me think of my mother.

‘You all right, ducks?’ I loved Kay. I wished she was my mum.

‘Just a bit of blush to brighten you up, a dab of powder to stop

the shine, okay? You can manage without mascara, you lucky girl.’

Pete the soundman rolled up to check my mike. He adjusted

it slightly with his hairy little hands, taking pantomime care not

to delve too deeply down my V-neck. He winked at me. ‘Funny

to see you on this side. Break a leg.’ Then he backed into my

plaster cast and went puce.

And now Renee arrived. She sauntered onto set like the true

diva she was; and the audience went mad. They always did. They

had no idea of the blood and sweat we poured out for Renee,

of the tears (ours) and the tantrums (hers) and, and –

She held her hands up for quiet. Silence dropped like a blanket

across the studio. Now Renee was talking. Oh, I knew exactly

why she was so captivating. She drew them in – she was every

man’s friend, every woman’s confidante, as she cast her bountiful

eye upon them. Like flapping fish on a line she reeled them

closer, until they were prone with ecstasy. She dropped her voice,

inviting them to lean in, to share her world.

And in this trice, as I listened, as her words washed over me,

I began to relax a little. I still felt the surge of adrenaline, but

I could play Renee at her own game; I knew exactly how to do

it. God knew I’d been in this business long enough. Once I was

as naïve as our audience; a true innocent believing everything

we revealed on television was for the greater good. Now I was

hardened and desperate to escape this trap, so I’d done my deal

with Charlie. I’d let Charlie use what he had on me, what

happened before the accident, when my world had finally caved

in, because I was still too weak to fight when he first came to

me. I just didn’t know any more if it was the right decision to

have made.

But this morning I did at least know what they wanted from

me and I had to give it to them. For me, it was a one-time, onlytime

thing, to be on this side with my make-up done and my

mike tucked down my top, under my blue armchair the drink

no one in the audience knew was there. I took a final swig and

pushed it back with my good foot. I took a deep breath, and

remembered Charlie’s promise. I remembered Charlie’s threats.

I just had to ensure I didn’t reveal too much. I thought of being

on the running track at school and my dad shouting on the

touchline, ‘Keep going, Maggie, keep on’, as I drove myself

forward, and I was ready. Whatever Renee threw at me, I was

ready.

Renee was delivering her final droplets of wisdom and waving

her final fickle wave before she left the floor. Kay gave my hand

a final squeeze and Charlie stood behind the curtain and sleeked

back his thick and greying hair before giving me an obsequious

thumbs-up. Amanda was counting us down, the titles were up

on the monitors and the tension that is a live show was zinging

in the air, as palpable as the sweat that had started to run down

my back. And then Renee was back on the floor, waving, the

audience cheering and clapping and whistling until she snapped

on the gravitas this subject would take, and hush fell.

And it was then that I noticed the girl for the first time. She

was sitting two chairs away from me, on the other side of the

eminent trauma psychologist Sally had wheeled on. She was stunning.

A cloud of dark hair framed a little heart face and she held

her arm, her plaster-casted arm, gingerly in her other hand. As

if she felt my stare, she turned and blinked and smiled at me, a

smile that filled those big violet eyes, eyes like bottomless buckets

of emotion, and I felt very odd. Like – what do they say? Like a

ghost had walked over my grave.